WeWillAllPrevail

1st December 2010

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I finally took that first step to healing,

and I think it’s going to pay off- even if only a little.

I hurt someone that I loved deeply. I hurt them very badly. And since that day (October 3rd), I’ve thought of him. Every. Single. Day. I talked to him maybe twice since, once to see what was up, but it was short. The other time was to say hey after I saw him at a football game (and ran away like a coward- luckily he didn’t see me). That’s about it though, I think.
And today I texted him. It’s been driving me nuts. I dated him for a little over 7 months. I loved him, still do. He was my best friend, and that’s what I miss the most. He was the sweetest, most beautiful guy I know, with the biggest, greatest heart. And I hurt him. I hate myself more and more every day for it.
But I texted him today. I finally couldn’t hold it in any longer. All I said was “hey :)”, but he immediately replied with “Hey!” After all this time, he found it in himself to talk to me, when he has every right to hate my guts. His heart is the most beautiful and pure I’ve seen, even with everything that’s happened to him- at home, and because of me. And he responded.

I’vemissedyousoGoddamnmuch.

19th September 2010

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   “He came closer, until we were only inches apart. Nearly nose-to-nose, excepting the few inches in height that he had on me. He slowly raised his right hand, and dragged his fingertips across my lips.

   ‘You’re trying so hard. So goddamn hard. I can see it. You’re trying too hard. Just let it go. Let it all go. You can cry. You can scream. I’m here. I’ll hold you tight, I’ll keep you safe, I’ll comfort you. It’s killing me to see how much you’re hurting, and how hard you’re fighting to hide it. No, everything is not okay, and not everything is going to be. But that’s okay. I’m here for you.’ As he said these last words, he had leaned closer, so his lips brushed mine as his mouth opened and closed with his words. When he finished speaking, he pressed his lips to mine, and kissed me gently, sweetly, sealing his promise. He pulled away, and emraced me tightly, kissing my forehead, then resting his chin on top of my head.

   And then I woke up, with my tears streaming thickly down into my hair.”

Source: wewillallprevail

18th September 2010

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   “I said, ‘Can you believe it?’

   He said, ‘Believe what?”

   ‘All the crazy, cruel things people do to each other. Maybe I’m slow, but I just don’t get it.’ I glanced back at the news.

  He looked at me, blue eyes twinkling, and slid off of the couch. I thought he was going to put his head in my lap, like usual, but he surprised me. He got up on one knee and reached into his pocket, saying,

   ‘No, I don’t understand, either. And I don’t want to. All I want is to be with you, forever, and never hurt you. I’ll do my best to protect you from this crazy, cruel world- if you’ll let me. I want you- to have and to hold, in sickness and in health, as long as we both shall live. Will you marry me?’ he concluded, opening the tiny purple velvet box from his pocket, revealing a beatiful silver ring with a diamond. I fell to the floor beside him, tears streaming down my face. I just kept nodding, over and over, embracing him, and I kissed him, hard. I pulled back and he put the ring on my left ring finger, pulled me into his lap, and held me tightly.”

Source: wewillallprevail

17th September 2010

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   “I smiled sweetly, letting my eyes drop, then flick back up to him, He seemed flattered, and I was glad that I hadn’t laid it on too thickly. He smiled back, slightly bewildered, I think. He stepped a little closer, and when I didn’t react, a little closer still. He reached out with his warm, rough hand, and he tilted my head back so he could bring his lips down to touch mine softly. I had closed my eyes, but opened them quickly to find his closed. Our lips parted slightly, and I studied his facial expression. His eyes were shut, but softly, like he was happy. His eyebrows were scrunched together, then pushed up in the middle, like he was experiencing a strong emotion. I smiled softly, and he felt the shift in my expression. His eyes opened and he pulled away slightly, raising his right eyebrow quizzically. I smiled wider and shook my head, then grabbed the front of his shirt and pulled him roughly to me. Our lips met again, and this time I threw myself into the kiss whole-heartedly.”

Source: wewillallprevail

11th September 2010

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“I don’t miss you. I don’t miss you. I don’t.

Except I do.

I miss the way you watch everything, and the way our eyes used to meet. I miss the way your eyes crinkle when you smile, and how you look in people’s eyes when you speak. I miss the way you tilt your head when you’re listening to people, and how you throw your head back when you laugh. I miss the way you close your eyes and scrunch up your eyebrows when you sing, and how you sing like your happiness depends on it. I miss the way you tickle me until I can’t beathe, and how softly you touch me when we kiss. I miss the way you took the moment in your hand, and held it for us both. I miss loving you. And I miss how it didn’t hurt.

Except I don’t.”

Source: wewillallprevail

11th September 2010

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“I looked at his face, and suddenly my mind was reeling. Images upon images flashed by- images of… Us? Us now, as were are. Us in a couple of years, at prom; a few years later, eating and laughing in a restaurant; later, in our twenties, with myself walking down an aisle in a white dress, and with him- him standing at the end, waiting. Even more images, flashing faster- him lovingly kissing my bulging belly; holding my hand in the hospital as I was handed a baby boy; him playing with his son, teaching him to walk and play catch; us in the hospital again, this time being handed a tiny girl; teaching her to walk and dance; taking them on outings, vacations, watching them grow; taking them to visit our parents and siblings; the children going to school, graduating, learning to drive, and, eventually, moving out. The children visiting us with their babies; large family gatherings on holidays; then- us again. Old and grey now, on our rocking chairs, and, eventually, our graves. These images all rushed through my mind with a blinding speed, and I blinked- I was lookingat him now, smiling warnly at me, seemingly expecting an answer.

     ‘I’m sorry- what?’ I asked.

     ‘Would you like to go to the mall with us on Friday?’ he repeated, smiling bigger still.

     ‘Yes,’ I said breathlessly, happily. ‘I would.’

                                      And we smiled.”